By some stroke of luck, today was one of those rare Saturdays when I actually had nothing to do. I had the South Park Digest done the night before thanks to a new system I have implemented which puts me a day ahead of the Digests, I had no Ring Fever shoots, no DOB disasters, no plans, no family functions and no Sandy since she took our friend Jen out for a female shopping excursion. So for the first time in recent memory – I actually had a day to myself.

Because of my self-inflicted busy schedule that puts me in constant demand and doesn’t allow me much time to myself – I actually didn’t know what to do with myself today. Believe it or not, I spent most of the time I had to myself trying to figure out what to do. I watched a little cable, ate a little food, and played with the cat – and that was pretty much it. I can’t believe that I have been so busy for so long that I was lost as to what to do when I finally did have some time to myself.

It’s not just the fact that I have been busy that was the reason that I couldn’t figure out what to do today. It’s the fact that I am so trained to always have something to do – that when I have nothing to do – I subconsciously find something to do so I don’t feel like I am wasting my time. Let me put that another way – if you sat me in a chair, put a gun to my head and told me that you would shoot me if I got up – I’d be dead in five minutes. That’s my problem. I can’t sit down and simply relax because I feel that instead of sitting down and doing nothing – I could be using that time more productively and getting something done. So I will sit down to relax, let a few minutes pass by, think of something I have been planning to do – and get up and do it.

It doesn’t matter that I am tired, that I need some quiet time – or that I finally have some time alone – my body is so conditioned and so trained to be in work mode that it seems as if there is no other way for me to behave.

Plus, my idea of relaxation is having a clear mind and knowing that everything I need to get done is done. For example, if I have to do the South Park Digest and I open my eyes at 8:00am on a Saturday morning – I won’t be able to go back to sleep because I know that the Digest must get done – even though I have until 11:59pm that evening to send it out, so I get up and do it. But once its done – that’s one more thing off my mind and I can relax.

I realize that this type of behavior makes a Type A Personality seem like a Type Z – but I have behaved this way for so long that I don’t know of any other way to live. Besides, if doing everything I need to do and getting it done gives me a clear mind – then isn’t that my way of relaxing?

Ok, this Penny is finished – now I can relax.