In the last month, I have experienced some of the most horrible things I have ever lived through. I have seen people leap to their deaths, I had to run away from a collapsing one hundred and ten story building, I have seen body parts pulled from Ground Zero, I now know what a decomposing body smells like – and I once again have to say goodbye to a very good friend. And despite all of that – I have been completely emotionless.

If I could describe the way I feel since the eleventh of September in one word – I would use the word Vulcan. Like Spock on Star Trek, I feel like I have no emotions. And like Spock – I have dealt with everything since the eleventh of September in a very matter of fact way – distancing myself from the human aspect of what has happened and just dealing with the physical sense of it.

I am not doing this by choice – because I would give anything to have a good, solid cry – but my emotions have completely shut down since the attack and have yet to resurface. Day after day, I wake up and carry out my duties with logical precision rather then emotion. I see the tower-less skyline, I see the wreckage at Ground Zero – I see the body parts – and I see the sadness in Amy’s eyes as she tries to get on with her life after losing her husband just thirteen days before their one-year wedding anniversary – and yet – I am unable to express my sorrow and heartbreak because my emotions have completely shut down.

It is quite possible that the reason for my emotional shut down is due to the fact that I am still in shock over all that I have seen since that unforgettable morning just one month ago. I never in my lifetime thought I would experience what I am experiencing. From terror of the attack itself to the sights, sounds – and smells of Ground Zero – it’s like Hell has come to Manhattan. To visit Ground Zero and see twisted, burning wreckage filled with pieces of innocent people that you can smell is something that would destroy anyone’s emotions just as it destroyed mine.

As I continue to move on since the tragedy that unfolded a month ago today, I hope to regain my lost emotions that have been frozen dead in me since that horrible day. But until that time – all I can do is continue to hold the gallons of tears inside until my body decides to shed them.